Update.

A lot has happened since I wrote my post about finding other family. I came across a really sweet lady who is helping me in my search. She has been looking for her family for over 20 years. She has a lot of resources and has helped me tremendously. I can't thank her enough. I feel I am so close yet so far away. I got my hopes up yesterday, but don't want to go into much detail until I know more. I think I've let this consume me for more time than what I had promised myself so I am going to take a few days off and catch up on some other stuff.

Bad Dreams.

I've had really bad dreams for as long as I can remember. Very rarely do I dream about "regular" stuff. I have nightmares probably 99% of the time. My memories of strange dreams and seeing strange things goes back to when I was small enough to be in my crib. I would see these shadow figures on the wall in the middle of the night. They always looked strangely familiar. I wouldn't be scared, but I would feel uncomfortable and just stare at them. As I got older I would hear and see these "little" people. They would only come to me when I was at my grandparents house. They looked just like humans but super tiny. Maybe about a two inches tall. They would tell me to do bad things like burn the house down or runaway or tell me I needed to hurt myself. Of course I never did any of that. Thank God I knew better. Around this same time I was always having dreams where I would be floating up around my bed spinning really really fast. And then I would fall and wake up and my bed would be shaking. I would see shadow people on the walls and hear whispering. Still they were strangely familiar and not too frightening. It all seemed to come to a stop when I was around 13. I never gave it much thought although it would cross my mind from time to time. In 1999 I went into the Air Force. In boot camp I woke up one night and went up to a drill instructor and starting asking her where everyone was. I was sleepwalking. This was my first known experience with that. The funny thing is that I remember waking up and seeing everyone gone, or so I thought, and running around until I saw her. I was freaking out because I really thought everyone was gone. It was like I was awake and knew I was sleepwalking but I couldn't come out of it. Like I was stuck in my dream state even though I knew I was sleepwalking. Make sense? I was reprimanded in a way and told that I may have to change jobs if this continued. My security clearance could have been jeopardized. For a few years it never happened again. That brings me to 2008. We moved to Oklahoma. And it all started again. It seems like I was sleepwalking almost every night. One time I even lined up all my purses in my bedroom and just stared at them. Crazy? Yes! I would find myself in the hallway, in the kitchen, in the living room, everywhere. I would see the electrical plug in the bedroom was on fire and I would try to put it out. I would see the ceiling falling down on me and totally freak out. I would think someone was after me and try to run but couldn't move. I would hear voices and see weird lights and shadows moving towards me. I can't explain how frightening it always was. I was always in a state where I knew what I was doing but couldn't control it or make myself come out of it. My dreams were always about almost dying. We moved to this new house in October of last year. From day one there was a creepy feeling in this one corner of the house between my office and front door. I always got this feeling someone was there watching me. The other night I was in a sleepwalking state and saw a shadow reflection in my mirror. The mirror attached to my chest of drawers. I knew it was a man. He was dark black and just standing there like he was watching me. I couldn't see through him. I closed my eyes hoping it was just my imagination. When I opened them again he was standing next to my side of the bed. I could just see the dark black, almost like tar, outline of him. I had this overwhelming feeling of dread and closed my eyes and turned my back to him. I tried to say Alberto's name but I couldn't breathe, much less speak. I just knew this black figure was going to kill me. I have never been so afraid in my life. I have never experienced the feeling of pure dread. I couldn't move, I couldn't scream, I couldn't do anything. Finally I was able to move my left thumb just enough to tickle Alberto's arm. I was hoping it would wake him up since he's a light sleeper, but he just turned over. I guess I eventually fell asleep. It is so vivid in my memory though. I am still pretty creeped out. I don't normally talk about these occurrences. I always felt alone and felt that no one would understand what I go through on a regular basis. I don't want to be labeled as schizophrenic. I know I'm crazy, but not like that. Ha, ha. So, when I told Alberto about the shadow and my feeling of dread he sent me a link from Wikipedia about shadow people. When I read it I knew it was talking about me and my experiences. I spent a few hours reading about it and the different names and sure enough I have sleep paralysis. I just know that has to be it. And thousands upon thousands of people experience it just like me. In some of the stories I read they talk about seeing flashing/streaming lights around the room just like I experience. Almost everything these people said is the same thing I see. There have been some really severe cases reported and I'm lucky not to be one of those. Finally I don't feel alone in this. I even was able to find some good exercises I can do before going to sleep that have been helping. I also realized that these dreams only come when I am sleeping on my back. I haven't been sleeping as well lately because I've been tossing and turning making sure I never am on my back. It's quite annoying but so much better than feeling like I am going to be killed my some demonic looking creature/person. I am so relieved I know what is going on and it can somewhat be explained. Phew *wiping forehead*. I think I'm in the clear from being committed :)

Something's Missing.

Do you ever feel like there is something missing in your life? From time to time I get that feeling. Today is one of those days. It's dark and pouring rain. My mind keeps drifting. I have so much yet I want so much more. I keep getting this overwhelming feeling that I may have a brother or sister out there somewhere. Little back story: I don't know my father. Shortly after I was born he went to prison. I found him at the age of 15 but didn't move forward or let him know I knew where he was. I found him again at the age of 22 and we wrote letters back and forth. Nothing ever came of it. We started writing again when I was 26. All he seemed to want is money, so I stopped writing. I received a phone call on my 29th birthday from a pastor at a half way house telling me my father was out of prison and wanted to know if I wanted a relationship. I told them I needed some time to think and I would get back with them. Next thing I know he is gone and no one will give me a straight answer as to if he is back in prison or just left the half way house. My point of this post was not to get all into this about my father so I will move on. Family. There must be some out there. I want to find them. I wonder if they've tried looking for me? I've moved around so much I may be a hard person to track. I just always think of how much fun it would be if I had siblings. And, it would be nice to know the medical history of the other half of me. Of course there is always the chance that they would all be crazy and it may have been a good idea to not find them. But, that is a chance I am willing to take. I emailed a couple of people I found on Facebook that are in the general Fort Worth area with the last name. It is not too common, especially the spelling so I'm hoping I get some leads. I am very blessed to have friends in my life who I consider "family" and who we jokingly say are sisters and brothers from another mister/mother. LOL! This is just another adventure in my crazy fun life.

World Cup.

I'm addicted to watching the World Cup. I've never really watched before. Gabriel has played soccer since he was 4 so it's fun to share in this with him. Wouldn't it be cool if it was him one day I was watching? So far I've seen three of the games. US vs England. Serbia vs Ghana. And Germany vs Australia. I'm going to try and work my schedule around so I can watch the other games this week. It really is a rush for me. My attention span is pretty low especially with things that are slow paced (like baseball). Soccer is so fun to watch. It doesn't hurt that the guys aren't bad looking either! I'm still trying to determine my top 5 teams. I would like to see everyone play before I make my final decisions. Here's what I'm thinking so far though. US, Ghana (they were very aggressive and I like that), Spain, Mexico, and England. Looking forward to hopefully seeing Japan play tomorrow. Since I've always wanted to go there I'm wishing their team is pretty good.

I'm A Cheater.

One of the things I always treat myself to is getting my nails done every two weeks. I'm a habitual nail biter and without my pink and white's my fingers are jacked up. It's hard to find a good salon. When I moved to OK I was lucky to find a lady who owned her own salon and was fantastic. She has always got me in when I needed and has always been flexible. I really like her and have nothing at all bad to say. Here's my dilemma. There are some ladies that I work with and I've been noticing their nails. Their pretty, glittery tipped nails. In all colors. My nail lady doesn't have this option. She only does strictly white tips. Yes she can add a bit of color, but only with polish. The nail salon these girls use has the actual colored powder with glitter mixed in. So, what did I do? I cheated. I cheated on my wonderful, sweet nail lady that I've been using for about two years. While I was sitting at the new place I kept hoping they would turn out bad so I would have learned my lesson. But no. My nails are perfect. They are beautiful. I started out slow only going with the standard white but with glitter mixed in. It's just enough to add some sparkle. The name on the tub said "Show Me Your Beads." Love it! My nails now match my style and attitude. They were great before, but nothing overly special. I'm thinking of going to my original lady and asking her if she can bring something like this in. If she can, I will stay with her, but if she can't it will be unfortunate.

Trendsetter.

For about a year now I've had this owl necklace. It is by far my favorite piece of jewelry other than my wedding ring. I've loved owls for quite a while. I have owl pajamas, owl jewelry, owl shirts, and even a couple of owls around the house. You used to never be able to find owl stuff unless you looked online. Now there are owls are "in style" and you can find them almost everywhere. While out working today I had four girls, count them four, tell me how they loved my necklace and ask me where I got it. One even mentioned being out last night and seeing lots of owl jewelry. I have never gotten compliments on it before. Okay, maybe one or two, but definitely not four in one day. I guess it's official... I am a trendsetter. It's all because of me that owl wear is the "it" thing these days. I always new I was cool, but to be this cool is beyond cool. Is there such a thing?!!

The first one is the one I have and the second is the one I want. Anyone up for buying me a present :)

Tattoo.

I really want a tattoo. Not a big one and definitely not a tramp stamp. LOL! I want a small one on my left wrist. Alberto says no. That he loves me without any marks on my body other than my freckles. Yes, he's very sweet but he also knows that if I want something I almost always get it. I wear a watch pretty much everyday so a small one on my wrist would not be noticeable all the time. Ooohh, just had a thought. How about one behind my ear so you can only see it when I have my hair in a ponytail? That would be way cool too. But, it wouldn't be one I could look at instantly. I want one that I can see and bring a smile to my face when I look at it. Is it possible I'm going through a midlife crisis at 30? I have always loved tattoos. Guys with half sleeves, girls with pretty flowers, there are so many styles that I like. Of course, the tattoos have to be tasteful. I want Alberto to get more tattoos. He has one right now and has talked about getting another one on his other arm. I'm all for it! My favorite theme for a guy is Asian. Dragons, geisha's, samurai's, coy fish, you get the idea. If reincarnation exists I am going to be one tattooed person in my next life. Pink has a tattoo around her wrist that says "What goes around comes around." I remember seeing that years ago and thinking how cool it was. You can just look down and be reminded to be mindful of what you do. It's useful and cool at the same time. So, what will I get? Will I even get one? We'll see...

Friends.

Now what I'm about to say by no means reflects on the friends I currently have. I have the best most amazing friends and after weeding out some bad ones I am really happy with those I call a true friend. But, I wish I had more friends in OK. Both Alberto and I. Friends that like to do what we like to do. Play games, go to the movies, go out to eat, do family stuff, travel, etc. Friends with kids around the same age as Gabriel. We are both family oriented and like to do most everything with Gabriel. It's hard to find friends where everyone gets along and has things in common. I miss having cookouts and hanging out all weekend playing cards and just chillin'. I think I just miss the camaraderie. Especially since it's the summer. I was so sad I had to go see Sex and the City 2 by myself. Insert big sigh :( If I was in TX that would have never happened. I'm not sure why it has been so hard for us to make friends here. I am very outgoing and friendly. I see and work with people every day when I make my sales calls, but I haven't met anyone I can see myself really being friends with. Is it me? Am I too picky? I say no, but I could be wrong. I'm not keen on being friends just to have a friend. I need to really feel that connection. I've had too many failed friendships in the past where I gave and gave and got nothing in return. It's not fun having to "break up" with a friend. It's terribly sad. I wonder if there's a friend network or blog or something for help in finding friends? Kind of like EHarmony, but not for hookups? Hmmm, Google here I come.

Something New.

Debt. Almost everyone has it. I feel like mine has been following me for years. When I got divorced over 6 years ago I moved to TX with only $500 to my name and the agreement I would take on what was left to pay on the credit cards. Sure wish now I would have renegotiated that. But, you live and learn, right? Gabriel and I stayed with my parents until we could get a place of our own. It was quite difficult to find a job, but I finally did after a month or so. Unfortunately the pay was very low, but it was a job. When I went to open a bank account in TX I qualified for a $5000 limit bank credit card. At the time it was a blessing because it would be my "emergency" fund if anything was to happen. Once I felt more on my feet I got an apartment for Gabriel and I. Things kind of started to spiral out of control after that I and started having to use my new credit card to pay my car, bills, etc. It was not a good time for me. So, all this brings me here. The past couple of years I really have been working on my credit. I'm in such a better place, but still not where I want to be. I started by cutting up ALL of my credit cards and paying them off one by one. It also helped that I got promoted a few times and started making excellent money. Made it a lot easier to start paying things off. I'm not completely done yet though. I've been reading up on Dave Ramsey's site and he truly seems to have some wonderful easy ideas on how to reduce debt and save money. I take pride in myself for the way I handle everything and feel I have really learned from my past mistakes. I also take pride in being able to buy something if I want it, give Gabriel everything I never had, and save money at the same time. But, I want more. Who doesn't? I want to be able to get completely out of debt within the next couple of years and have my savings account where I want it. It's good to have goals. And everyone who knows me knows I am very goal oriented. So, I think I'm going to start following some of Dave Ramsey's advice and start with his "baby steps". I'm sure I can speed through the first few, but to do it the right way I'm gonna start with number one (maybe even open up another account for this). I've got my credit report printed, a spreadsheet started for a budget, and my mind is focused. I'm excited to start this new chapter and be able to look back and see how far I've come.